The "Elephant" That is Grief

By Deb Kosmer
©2011 Deb Kosmer; Oshkosh WI

Last night I dreamt someone let an elephant into our home. I couldnít get him out of the house but I tricked him into the basement by opening the door and throwing some food down. But people kept leaving the door open and there he would be again staring me down. I kept getting frustrated then angry with their carelessness and with him for being so big and immoveable. I tried to make them see he was going to ruin everything in the house and our lives but no one would listen.

I was all alone with an elephant. I realized it was totally up to me to eliminate him or make him a manageable size that I could live with. When my family refused to listen, I had tried to talk with my friends about the elephant but not even one was interested, if anything they seemed apprehensive. I wondered, could it be they had their own elephants?

There are lots of elephants. One is grief. One is shame. One is guilt. One is hate. One is depression. One is alcohol and drug addiction. There are many others. The thing about elephants is they donít move or disappear just because we want them to. We have to work at it consistently, a little at a time. We canít let the comments or indifference of others deter us. The more we pretend our elephants do not exist, the bigger they become and harder to contain and the more they demand to be fed.

Just as there are different elephants, there are different methods of taking away their power to rule our lives. When grief is the elephant it can help to connect with others who also have grief elephants. For many of us talking with those who understand what we are dealing with eases our feelings of being alone and misunderstood. Community, church, and on-line support groups all provide opportunities to receive validation and encouragement. Putting our feelings on paper or sharing them out loud can make them more manageable and lessen over time.

Though the elephant of grief can be a formidable opponent it need not win. Every time we say our loved onesí names out loud, share a story about them, honor their memory by being kind to someone else, join a cause in their honor, participate in a ritual of remembrance, we are deflating the elephant and building hope in our future.

It is up to each of us to decide whether we win or the elephant wins. Some days the steps necessary to winning will be easier than others. The key is to never give up and just keep on going.

About the Author

Deb Kosmer


Hatley, Wisconsin

Deb Kosmer provides grief support to patients and families prior to death and to family members after the death, faci.itates grief-support groups, offers grief educational programs to the community, and collaborates with other agencies to do that.

Email: Read Deb's articles at Open to Hope